neologist

Brooklyn Girl Stuck in Orlando

Dear Neologist:

I lived in Brooklyn New York almost all my life until 3 1/2 years ago when I made the unfortunate decision to move Orlando, Florida. Why would I move to Orlando from Brooklyn, you ask? I have a lot of family here... and since I was priced out of NYC real estate, wanted to buy a house and have a yard.

Quickly realizing that I felt like an alien in this land of theme parks, strip malls and rednecks, I put my house up for sale. But alas, the real estate market has crashed here and after 9 months and not a single offer, I took my house off the market. Now I am stuck here until the real estate market upturns and I can sell my house. I can't rent my house unless I take hundreds of dollars less than the mortgage.

Can you please give me a German compound word for my predicament?

Sincerely,

Brooklyn Girl Stuck in Orlando

----

Dear Brooklyn Girl,

Oh my! Once again, a short, pungent Americanism seems most appropriate to your situation. Right away it's clear that you're exiled in a

Palmenbepflanztes Immobiliengefängnis
n, pahl'-men-buh-pfluntz'-tess im'-moe-bee'-lee-un-guh-fang'-nis
(palm-begrowthed real estate prison)

In a previous column, I mention the concept of

Fernweh
n, fairn'-vay
(homesickness for the far away)

This is simply, and terribly

Heimweh
n, hyme'-vay
(pain for home, homesickness)

Your circumstance is made immeasurably worse, though, by the fact that you got trapped in the consequence of a decision you yourself made, but that seemed fairly easily reversible. (I hate those!) Certainly, once could make the case that there are people much worse off. They may not have a house at all, or would love to live in Florida. But one would be an ass then, wouldn't one? You can't argue with homesickness. I spent a year in one of America's most liveable and desired cities, and I was miserable.

What can you do now but wait for the economy to rebound? Perhaps it's a good moment to get involved in a voter registration drive to advance your enlightened self-interest and meet fellow members of the diaspora perhaps? If nothing else, take heart in the fact that your years in exile will leave you bursting to make new art the minute you return to a place that makes you happy. You are sure to experience a serious

freudiger Heimkehrschaffenskraftausbruch
m, froy'-dig-gur hyme'-care-shuf'-fonz-ouws'-brook
(joyful home-return-power-to-create-erruption)

In the meantime, I keenly feel your pain, and hope
that an unexpected solution will present itself in short order.
Hängen Sie in there!

The Neologist

Epically Inert in Illinois

Dear Neologist:

[Will you please] invent a word to describe the psyche of my sweetie,
whom I call Lion because she looks like one? Seriously. A she-mountain lion.

So here's her deal: She is of German and Slovak descent. She was raised Catholic in a middle-of-nowhere southern Illinois village. She has been obsessed with Blondie since childhood and always wanted to be a guitar goddess at CBGB's. She was the valedictorian and prom queen in high school. She is extremely talented in the arts, sciences, athletics, etc. etc. etc. Yet she can't seem to decide what she really wants to do with herself, so she often does nothing. She is inert in an epic way. And she has this odd idea that feeling or voicing the slightest pride in oneself -- be it one's appearance or accomplishments -- is somehow in very poor taste and verboten.

What is the deal with this lesbo lion?

Thanks,

Kat Fancier

----

Dear Kat Fancier,

Goodness me. Outsize dreams are deemed childish, and pride in accomplishments or appearance are verboten? Your Mountain Lioness does sound awfully German. I know the feeling well. Combine that with a healthy dose of option paralysis, and it's easy to see why one would end up epically inert, as you said.

It seems to me that your partner is dealing with a severe case of

Enttarnungsfurcht
f, Ent-tar'-noongs-foorkt
(fear of being de-camouflaged)

Admitting to one's deepest desires, even to oneself, is a great and intimate commitment that can't be undone. As soon as you actually allow a clearly defined wish to form you've opened yourself to the real possibility that it may go unfulfilled. To the soul of an overachiever -- and that's clearly the case with your Lioness -- an unfulfilled wish is never simply a matter of chance. It's always a personal failure -- mistakes made, eventualities unanticipated, too little work invested. Just thinking that this might happen can lead to stasis. Better to keep all desires in a nascent and certainly unspoken state, so they are nothing but an amorphous cloud of dreams deferred.

What can you do to help? Not much, I fear. It's all in her head, where those near and dear often have no admittance. In fact, what you might see as a gentle, loving push may very well come across as nagging, as a confirmation that your Lioness is fundamentally lacking in your eyes.

She will have to make the decision to move forward on her own. Until then, don't scold or encourage. Both only add pressure, which -- believe me -- she has covered all by herself. Just give freely of your love, and be patient.

When she does feel that she wants to define and pursue her goals, I personally find that a stable, daily activity in furtherance of the dream works best to build momentum -- something that is done almost automatically, so as to short-circuit doubt and fear.

At that point your She-Lion may experience the joy of

Bewegungsgezündete Seelenerleichterung
f, buh-vay'-goongs-guh-tsoon'-duh-tuh zay'-lun-err-like'-ter-rung
(motion-ignited soul-lightening)

Viel Glück on your journey together!

The Neologist

Childless in Cook County

Dear Neologist:

All of my friends are having babies! Despite the fact that they all know me quite well, and are plainly aware of my slight aversion to having children of my own, these dear friends of mine consistently demand that I have a few of my own.

My question is two-fold. Is there a German compound noun that will allow me to defuse their hopes for eine kinder of mein very own, at least in the near future? And then, is there a neat little package that will describe my small fear of children of my own that also describes my capability to care-take the offspring of others?

Most sincerely,
Childless in Cook County

----

Dear Childless,

Let me begin by saying that you're obviously a horrible, horrible person for shirking your genetic duties in favor of what we can only assume is a non-stop sybaritic pleasurama lifestyle of constant hedonism and consequence-free interpersonalization. For shame!

Now... the Neologist feels your pain, having also been encouraged, on occasion, to give to the world a few itty-bitty little Neologists, despite his insistence that it's really not for him. What will be the magic word to get your friends to respect your procreative boundaries?

First you might tell them that you are

wahlunfruchtbar
adj, vuhl'-oon'-frookt-bar
(infertile by choice)

Should you use the word in writing, please be sure
not to omit the first h, lest you be walunfruchtbar --
infertile by whale.

Your friends are sure to tell you something along the lines of "Oh! You say that now, but you'd be such a great parent! You just wait. You'll meet the right person and you'll have kids and you'll wonder why you waited so long and it'll be great and we can all go to the playground together."

In this case you can go one of two ways. If you want to gently ease out of the whole topic, you might simply cast your eyes to the heavens, tilt your head to the side, drop your voice to a pained whisper and ask "Have you ever heard of the German term unerklärliche unwiderrufliche Kinderlosigkeit? I'll explain, but it's just so painful to even talk about... I'm sorry... " That ought to give you a few months' peace.

unerklärliche unwiderrufliche Kinderlosigkeit
f, oon'-err-claire'-lick-uh, oon'-vee'-durr-roof'-lick-uh
kin'-durr-low-zig-kite
(inexplicable, irrevocable childlessness)

If you feel like being a bit more direct and/or truthful, it would be hard not to give the same initial advice as to "Slowly Spinning in San Simeon." But if you'd like to be a bit more high-minded about it, and keep yourself in the pool of possible baby-sitters, why not declare yourself:

grundsätzlich kinderfreundlicher
Vortsetzungsnichtteilnehmer
m, groont'-zatz-lick kin'-durr-froind'-lick-urr
fort'-zat-tsoongs-nickt'-tile-nay-murr
(fundamentally friendly-to-children procreation-non-participant)

Or did the Neologist misunderstand your query? Are you looking to express a minor fear of minors, regardless of genetic bond, and the desire not to be asked to take care of any of them ever? In that case, you might go for broke and say "I love children, especially in a nice burgundy sauce." But such things tend to rankle, and bring the attention of law enforcement.

Perhaps you should simply,
yet emphatically classify yourself as

kinderinkompatibel
adj, kin'-durr-in-come-put-tea'-bull
(child-incompatible)

Viel Glück!

The Neologist

Slowly Spinning in San Simeon

Dear Neologist:

Since I was a kid my Mom always said "go slow" when we were on our way out of the house. But living in California and working in the clay arts it's all about "instant success." Is there something I can say to my artist friends when they challenge me in my artistic quest for all things "quality, not quantity"?

Thank you for this kind service when one special word said in a dramatic way is so necessary sometimes. Even if it's a German word said with an Italian accent while splattering clay.

Slowly Spinning in San Simeon

----

Dear Slowly Spinning,

In a situation such as yours I would find it difficult to resist the urge to seek refuge in a simple English BUZZ OFF! Hell, I might not even use the word "buzz." But civility demands restraint. And if the German language can offer anything it's most certainly the civil expression of repressed anger. Thus I suggest that --- upon your next confrontation with your friends' lust for instant glory --- you unleash upon them the concept of

Künstlerischer Gährungsprozeß
m, qu'nst-lur-reesh-er gay'-roongs-pro-tsess'
(artistic fermentation process)

You might also mention the German saying

Gut Ding braucht Weile.
goot ding browkt vile'-uh
(A good thing takes time.)

While there is much to be said for a daily artistic discipline in creating new work, being awarded the trappings of worldly success for said work isn't always under our control. Hence the maddening need for patience --- and for German compound nouns --- to keep eager friends (and one's own inner voice) at bay.

Viel Glück!

The Neologist

Full Passport but Empty Prospects

Dear Neologist:

I miss my old life, my life of living/working in Europe (Germany and Prague), drinking good coffee, using dependable transport and having an excuse not to celebrate things like the 4th of July. Problem is, now that I am back in the US, I am directionless... working a pointless job and dreaming of life abroad, which feels like it will never happen again. My friends can't seem to understand and all think that settling down is the way to go.

Hilfe! I need a word to call my own.

Full Passport but Empty Prospects

----

Dear Full Passport,

As much as the Neologist aches to create a new word for you, the German language already has the right term to serve you. The word is

Fernweh
n, fairn'-vay
(homesickness for the far away)

It's a powerful force, and can be quite painful. It's not the Neologist's place to ask, but why don't you go back to Europe if your heart is calling you there? Surely you'll find a job that will make you happier than your current one. Life is short. Why wait? A dream deferred is a dream denied. Perhaps you should practice

entschlossene Herzenswunscherfüllungsarbeit
f, ant-shloss'-un-nah Hertz'-sense-voonsh-er-fuel'-oongs-arrrh-byte
(determined heart's desire granting work)

Seize the Tag!

The Neologist

Grappling in Peoria

Dear Neologist:

I am attempting to disguise my obsessive-compulsive behaviors by convincing myself that magic is real, & if I circle the dining room table three times counter-clockwise, I will win the World Wrestling
Federation title to which I am actually entitled.

All I need now is the word for what I'm trying to do. When I say it three times fast, it will work.

Signed,
Grappling in Peoria

----

Dear Grappling,

Why would you want to disguise your obsessive-compulsive tendencies? Didn't you get the memo? The geeks have inherited the Earth. Washing your hands 20 times before lunch and arranging your ball point pens by order of ink depletion may actually win you friends these days.

But the Neologist isn't here to judge, of course, but to neologize. The word you're looking for is

Charme-ähnliche Persönlichkeitstarnung
f, shurm'-ain'-lick-kuh per-zoan'-lick-kites-tar'-noong
(charm-approximating personality camouflage)

The scientific name would be semi-dissociative pseudo-Aspergers -- or Hoffman's Disease. A variant of the disease did, of course, do wonders for the professional wrestling career or Andy Kaufman, but for legal reasons the Neologist will have to refrain from advising you in the oiled-up arts. That said, it never hurts to have a folding chair handy.

The Neologist

Ennui-filled in Education

Dear Neologist:

I am giving a midterm this week, and apparently a significant percentage of my students either require spoon feeding or constant reassurance that they are en route to a good grade. At present, when I look at my inbox and see the messages waiting for me, my heart begins to sink. Can you give me a word to describe the feeling for when you know you are about to be incredibly irritated by someone or something? (And will have to be gracious and kind in response to boot!)

Thanks ever so,
Ennui-filled in Education

----

Dear Ennui-filled,

Your students are triggering in you a condition common among those engaged in professions that necessitate frequent contact with large, mostly unscreened population samples. As the director of the St. Elderwart's Hospital for the Annoyingly Infirm wisely remarked "This would be a sweet gig if I didn't have to deal with all these damn patients every day." The feeling you are experiencing is:

Höflichkeitsgehemmter Vorzorn
m, hoif'-lick-kites-guh-ham'-tear fore'-tsorn
(anticipatory wrath held in check by manners)

It takes a person of life-tempered optimism and emotional endurance to keep in check one's natural tendency to rebuke and reform. Even if it is done in the hope of bringing your students closer to the radiant level of humanity embodied by a more refined soul such as yourself, those in the process of being thus elevated tend to be a bit miffed about the whole thing, unaware as they are of their current shortcomings.

Kudos for accepting a certain level of personal discomfort so as to create in your class a spirit of acceptance and nurture, reluctant though it may be.

The Neologist

Cloven in Chicago

Dear Neologist,

As a creative being that also likes to dabble in sales, agentry, PR, marketing, and other acts of betrayal-to-my-spiritual-self, I am frequently beset by periods of confusion: Who am I? Am I a starving artist? Or a money-grubbing capitalist? What is the word for a half-and-half such as myself?

Cloven in Chicago

----

Dear Cloven,

Thank you for your inquiry. The conflict between artistic inspiration and the pursuit of filthy lucre is as old as Michelangelo's "David After Losing 20 Pounds in 20 Days Thanks to the New SlimFast™ Diet." The word that describes the condition is simply "credit card owner."

What's interesting is your anguish about the necessary
cleavage of your persona. It appears that you are a

Spiegelkammergefangener
m, shpee'-gull-com'-er-guh-fung'-uh-ner
(mirror chamber prisoner)

The cure? As you find success in your efforts
you'll simply get too busy to worry. You'll reach
the blissful state of

Produktivitätswohlgefühl
n, pro'-dook-tee-vee-tates'-vole'-guh-fuel
(productivity well-feeling) productivity bliss

The Neologist

World-Weary in West Hollywood

Dear Neologist,

I have a problem with reconciling myself to the difference between potential and reality. Some things or people or situations seem really exciting and promising and generate all kinds of ideas or high expectations, but then I frequently find myself disappointed by their actualization. I would like to be able to sum this up with a high-falutin' German word that I can drop into conversation with a slightly embittered sigh. Please help!

Sincerely,
World-weary in West Hollywood

----

Dear World-weary,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.
You are clearly experiencing

Erwartungsentzauberung
f, er-wuhr'-toongs-ent-tsouw'-buh-roong
(Expectation Demagication)

This is also related to the problem of

Rückwirkende Vorfreudensauslöschung
f, roik'-virr-kun-duh fore'-froi-duntz-ows'-loi-shoong
(retroactive joy-of-anticipation expungement)

Please, hang in there! Don't lose your

Hoffnungsfundierter Liebesunklarsinn
m, hoff'-noongs-foon-deer'-tur lee'-bus-oon'-kluhr-zinn
(hope-based love un-clarity)

that lets you suspend your cautious disbelief
in the hopes of finding the Real Thing after all.

The Neologist

Willkommen to the Neologist

Good afternoon. Welcome to THE NEOLOGIST. Do you ever find yourself grasping for a word? A word that will not only describe precisely what you mean to say, but also dazzle the person you're speaking to with your brilliance and wit? A word that will immediately telegraph your utter intellectual superiority? If so, rejoice! The Neologist is here to help you with the soothing power of the German compound noun.

Sure, you could rely on old standbys such as Zeitgeist, Schadenfreude, or even Fahrvergnügen if you're looking to provoke the kind of thin-lipped smile that blooms reluctantly on the face of a person suppressing intestinal discomfort.

The German word for that would be

Höflichkeitsschmerzlächeln
n, hoif'-lick-kites-shmartz'-lek-keln
(courtesy pain smile)

But why use a word off the rack when you can
have one tailor-made exclusively for you?
Why not discover the pleasures of

Wortfindungsfreude
f, vort'-fin-doongs-froy'-duh
(the joy of word finding)

I invite you to send me a definition of the word you need
and I will create it for you, made to measure.

Let me give you an example:

Dear Neologist,

I have a strong tendency to overcommit myself due to excessive enthusiasm for my own ideas. Is there a German word for the decisions I make in this state?

---Frazzled in Fresno

Dear Frazzled in Fresno, you clearly suffer from

Enthusiamusbedingte Grenzsinnverzerrung
f, en'-too-zee-uss-moos-ba-ding-tuh Grantz'-zin-fer-tser'-oong
(enthusiasm-caused distortion of your sense of boundaries)

which leads you to commit the occasional

Überbegeisterungsfehltritt
m, oo'-bur-ba-guys'-tar-oongs-fail-trit
(a wrong step taken due to excessive excitement).

Begeisterung
f, buh-guy'-stir-oong

is, of course, the German word for enthusiasm,
literally meaning to be possessed of spirit.
And there you have it.

Please let me know your neology needs at neologist@344design.com